You thought the man knocking on your door was most certainly a home invader. A murderer. A zombie, perhaps.
You forgot you ordered Jimmy John’s and you forgot how freaky fast their delivery is. Or maybe you used DoorDash, which allows you to support local businesses like Thai Cafe, Broder’s Pasta Bar, and Black Sheep Pizza without leaving your home.
(That body’s not going anywhere; find a full listing of local Twin Cities restaurants available for delivery by clicking here).
But either way, you can’t be to blame for the mix up.
And it’s easy to get wrapped up watching Netflix. You were watching MST3K (which was created in right here Minnesota, after all), or Fargo, the television show based on the classic, Oscar-winning Coen Brother’s film which introduced the world to the incredible (if overstated) Minnesota accent.
(Is it possible that the show is better than the film? Tough call. Put the gun away before we talk about it.)
But the delivery guy is dead. What happens now?
Well, Minnesota is currently debating its “Stand Your Ground” laws, with bill HF238 introduced back in January and already passing through the Minnesota House.
HF238 expands on the current rights to use deadly force in self-defense or in defense of your home: You no longer have to retreat if you’re feeling threatened in your home, aka your “safe space” and you’re allowed to kill the intruder no questions asked (well, maybe a few questions) if there is a felony being committed on the premises.
Just claim the delivery guy wanted to steal your television (you were watching Fargo, after all) and you’re good.
Governor Dayton is expected to veto the bill however, which means that you might be out of luck; as the law currently stands, that defense probably won’t fly. Unless you can prove that the delivery guy was threatening to kill you with the subway sandwich you ordered, and that you retreated as far as you could, called the police, and only fired upon the intruder as a last resort.
(There was an outbreak of salmonella caused by sprouts a few years back…)
Might be better to claim zombie attack.
And then there’s the issue of cleanup. That body on the doorstep isn’t going to disappear on its own, and that welcome mat isn’t going to clean itself. In Minnesota, there’s none better than Scene Clean, Inc to get everything taken care of. The Minneapolis-based company, specializing in “the cleanup and removal of crime scenes, suicide, murder, natural death, hoarding, blood, tear gas and bio-hazardous material,” should do the trick in a pinch.
They even offer chaplain services.
Scene Clean, and other local crime scene cleanup companies, rose to prominence after a photo of a post-crime bloody street (below) in Minneapolis, left that way for almost a week, went viral in 2013.
But don’t forget, you have food that’s been delivered. If the cops show up and you haven’t even started eating that #9 from Black Sheep Pizza, or some tasty Pad Thai, then everybody loses.
You can’t just let that go to waste.
Read next: How have we survived this long without KFC’s fried chicken bath bombs?
